Rock N' Raditz
by Beshamaru
Summary: AU. Raditz leads a glamorous rockstar life, but he can't help but feel there's something missing. Raditz x Mr. Satan/Hercule, heavy on the humor and light on the shipping. With a little totally unnecessary NSFW content thrown in (yaoi) along with plenty of terrible slapstick humor. Short story originally written in October and November 2013.
1. Chapter 1

ROCK N' RADITZ

When Raditz headbanged, people took notice. How could they not? There was just something fantastic about twenty feet of hair lashing out at the audience. The physical pain the first row received matched the aural pain that Raditz's Flying V dished out. It was so very METAL.

SO metal in fact, that his popularity soared, and with it, his paycheck. He quickly acquired a paid harem of attractive young men and women, in an attempt to emulate his idol, Shishi Jurokubei.

But beautiful though they were, there was something missing in his life- the emotional satisfaction he had once gotten specially from Turles. This long lack of romance had a left a hollowness in the big Saiyan's heart...

...

One weekend afternoon, Mr. Satan was getting dolled up for a fairly major rock concert. He needed a bit of a disguise so as not to be recognized, so he jumped in the bathtub and began to shave his trademark body hair. Shaving a particularly big patch of hair in his crotch region, he was pleasantly surprised to see he still had junk, after all! It had been covered so long that he'd assumed a Madoshi's spell had removed it.

Satan heard a shocked gasp behind him, and quickly turned as Videl practically pounced him, covering his bits to hide them from her view. "Mom!" she yelled, breaking into fits of tears.

Here was a man totally emasculated. He had to hide his true identity even though he hadn't yet left the house! He'd have to play the role of the late Mrs. Satan to get out of this one...

He tried to force tears, eyeballs bulging in their sockets. None came. However, he could feel a huge fart nearing release from all the straining, and quickly reached over to turn on the water full blast to cover it.

It worked, though the air smelled of beans n' cornbread something horrible. Videl cussed, and before Mr. Satan could come up with a reprimand, he realized WHY: in his haste to conceal the flatus, he'd uncovered his junk!

He squeaked girlishly (on purpose for once) and covered up, then noticed Videl was looking out the window rather than at his crotch. He squinted at the sight of that little shit Gohan (how dare he bone the great Mr. Satan's daughter!) soul kissing a big red woman. Though as soon as this woman started shoving her dick into Gohan's ass, he realized it was just a guy with big manboobs. He popped an awkward boner and so did Videl (she'd screwed both of these men many times, after all).

...

Meanwhile, backstage at the very concert Mr. Satan would soon be attending, Raditz was helping the crew set up his stage. A fairly sudden tightness in his pants distracted the sexy Saiyan, so he ran down to the dressing room. But before he could beat the problem into submission, his boner died. Raditz blinked at his dick.

"You big tease," he whispered flirtaciously, zipping up his bootylicious 80's tiger striped jeans.

END CHAPTER ONE


	2. Chapter 2

ROCK N' RADITZ

CHAPTER TWO

Raditz returned to the crew, mildly unnerved that his rogue hard on could return at any awkward moment. For the first time in his life, the Saiyan hoped none of the audience would flash him.

The audience soon filed into the theater. Mr. Satan naturally had a front row seat, though dressed as a woman and shaved, he so far had been unrecognized. Even with his signature Doritos Locos Tacos scent lingering in the air.

When the lights dimmed, Mr. Satan's body hairs finally felt like it was safe to emerge and covered him with a half inch layer of stubble. Reaching under the blue dress he'd snuck out of Videl's closet, he tried to discretely scratch the horrifying itch this created on his junk, causing the people on either side to move to less expensive seats. He stopped and tried wiggling in his seat instead, but stopped this too when the young woman behind him muttered, "Eww, just go to the bathroom already!"

...

The show started with a bang, as Mr. Satan accidentally fired a gun that he'd brought in case of Super Saiyans or Cell. He coughed loudly as the crowd tried to figure out who'd been shot, discretely removing the gun from his garter, setting it on the floor and kicking it.

...

Backstage, Raditz peed a little accidentally when he heard the shot. He was grateful for the BattleTuff Saiyan underwear that protected his dignity.

Once he'd reassured security that he'd be unaffected by a lame weapon designed to kill weaker races, the Saiyan entered the stage. Headbanging and playing the Flying V like a man possessed (because he WAS possessed- by an ugly little troll looking demon who sometimes forced him to dress as Santa Clause on stage).

Raditz paused to regain his balance from all the hair whipping, when he caught the eye of a woman in blue. She was a little hairier than he preferred, but damn, she was built like a tank! Nothing yanks a male Saiyan's tail quite like a woman who looks strong enough to beat his ass! Now was not the time to get turned on, so he resumed headbanging.

After the show Raditz sat in the VIP area, running hands through his hair in an attempt to remove a few giant knots. He waved in a fan who had shelled out for the backstage pass, and jumped out of his chair when he saw just who it was- the woman in blue!

Mr. Satan, in full seduction mode, batted his big fake eyelashes so vigorously that they went flying off and attached themselves to Raditz's hair. The Saiyan interpreted this as a flirty attack, so he flirted back by kicking Mr. Satan in the gut.

He died and was dragged down to HFIL, where Cell immediately began kicking his ass.

Raditz, however, now had a corpse in a situation where it would be awkward to dispose of a corpse. So he blew up the entire town. News reports just blamed it on the caldera.

...

Epilogue

Raditz eventually died (it's not a good idea to make fun of Vegeta's shortness while he's PMSing) and was sent to HFIL. There he was reunited with both Mr. Satan and Turles, and they had hawt orgies until HFIL staff caught on.

It was decided that in order to break up the fun, Raditz would reside in a drawer in Lord Enma's desk and only come out when there was paperwork needing doing. But Enma soon tired of his smellyness and sent him to Heaven for an eternity of torture by Dabura, who was now dead and acting extremely gay and creeping the hell out of everybody.

But instead of going crazy, Dabura and Raditz became buddies, and the demon converted the Saiyan to the sugary sweet and very gay and flowery side. It was terrifying.

THE END


End file.
